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Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring White People Official Race of U.S., Struggles to Define ‘White’ Without Accidentally Excluding Himself

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In a historic move to solve a problem no one had, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today declaring white people the official race of the United States, proudly stating, “Folks, we’re making America normal again, finally!” before turning to an aide and whispering, “Did I say that right?”

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The order, which Trump reportedly drafted himself using a Sharpie and a series of underlined phrases like “BEST RACE,” “NO MORE CONFUSION,” and “WHITE = LEGAL,” seeks to ensure that “America remains the country our Founding Fathers originally stole.” When asked for clarification on what constitutes whiteness, Trump paused, then gestured vaguely toward a group of Fox News anchors in attendance, saying, “You know, like these wonderful, beautiful people, except maybe Juan, but we like Juan. Great guy. Not too tan.”

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Critics argue the order is not only unconstitutional but also absurdly redundant, given centuries of systemic advantages already in place. Still, Trump dismissed their concerns. “The radical left wants you to believe diversity is good, but did you know Abraham Lincoln was white? It’s true. And they don’t teach that in schools anymore. Sad!” He then reassured reporters that “everyone will still be treated very fairly—some people just more fairly than others.”

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At the conclusion of the press conference, Trump attempted to sign a second executive order officially demoting all other races to “honorary guests” but got distracted mid-signature by his own reflection in a teleprompter. “Wow, look at that. Handsome. That’s a leader right there,” he murmured, before wandering off in search of his next Diet Coke.

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